What if whenever you brought up an issue, your partner addressed your feelings at that moment and chose to respond in a way that made you feel heard and that your concerns were going to addressed?  This would be taking a Reflective Empathetic approach to listening.

Being Reflective (characterized by deep thought and feeling, capable of reflecting understanding) versus being Resistive (withstanding the actions or effects of thoughts and feelings):

When couples have an incident, they can respond to the issue or complaint in one of two ways: 

• in a defensive way, listening for ways to deflect any responsibility or accountability 

• in a defenseless way, focusing on the feelings and emotions of their partner and being responsible and accountable for what they may have done.  

By being defensive and resistive, they justify what they might have done and attack their partner’s position; they are heading toward further disconnection. In contrast, when a partner’s posture is defenseless and reflective, they are better able to understand how their partner feels and show empathy toward their partner.  With this approach, they are heading toward a deeper connection if the true intention of each person is to be connected.

Defensiveness does not offer an understanding response but a corrosive response that focuses on inaccurate and over-exaggerated facts & details that usually emerge during high emotions. This is when the “always” and “nevers” are stated and the couple begins competing to determine who is more right or more hurt. Neither partner hears or feels what the other is saying or feeling, and the real concerns are not addressed, but rather minimized with each justification. No one is soothed. The couple detaches with more hurts and wounds. Resentment and bitterness set in until the next time they try to address a complaint and again the pattern repeats itself.

Couples who want to get out of this painful cycle might see a counselor but they expect the counselor to help them resolve their issues by justifying one or the other’s position because they believe this is the only way their problems will be solved.  However, a good counselor will not take the role of referee, rather, will begin giving the couple insights into their destructive patterns and offer tools to help them change their communication pattern and revolutionize their relationship.

When you take a defenseless reflective position toward listening to the hurts and concerns of your partner, only then are you able to identify with how they are feeling at that moment.  When you are able to “feel” what your partner “feels” without defensive interference, you will be able to respond empathetically, with compassion and understanding.  This approach calms emotions and results in your partner being heard and feeling like their issue is being addressed.  The connection your partner experiences will ultimately be the connection you experience. It will be mutual and neither will have to ask if it worked.  Being mutually connected emotionally is self-evident just as it is when connected over a phone line.  When there is two-way communication and you are hearing and you are being heard, you both know you are connected.

Emotionally your partner wants to hear, “I heard you and care about how you are feeling and I want to do something about it because I want to be close to you,”  and emotionally you want to hear, “You heard me and I feel cared for by you. I want to be close to you.” 

Connection requires an empathetic understanding and an action toward the person that is congruent to that understanding. When this happens, there is hope for the future and a more pleasant vision of what connection can look and feel like. 

The time to talk about the facts and the details of a problem or issue is when you and your partner are more connected and the raw emotions have been soothed. According to Dr. John Gottman, a couple is incapable of communicating well when their heart rate reaches 100 beats per minute, so continuing the conversation in a stressed state is futile.

The absence of empathy in a relationship indicates deeper underlying concerns (hurts, wounds, fears) that must be addressed individually and collectively because it prevents partners from wanting to connect.  In this case, their communication is never about connection but about justification. (See Reconciliation vs. Justification Blog.)

The pathway to disconnection is through focusing first on the facts while the pathway to connection is through first focusing on the feelings.  If you are struggling in your relationship and need help navigating the pathway to connection please contact me.