The Disillusion of Intimacy

Because of the evident pain and breakdown of true intimate relationships in our society, many of us have learned to settle for a false intimacy characterized by superficial revelations of ourselves.  We have learned to mask our true feelings and emotions, so we offer pithy explanations and reactions to our emotions, and thus, fail to develop the skills necessary to truly understand and manage the complexity of our human feelings and emotions.  This results in an inability to relate intimately with one another.

The breadth of human emotions includes joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness, ecstasy and pain. The problem is that we tend to ignore them in ourselves and in others.  We mask them with distractions like entertainment, drugs, alcohol or detached sex; anything to avoid the fear, dis-ease or pain of real vulnerable intimacy.

Safe People aren’t just those in your life who never cause you pain, but people who care when they hurt you and take steps to reconcile and mend the relationship. We are all human. We are imperfect and we make mistakes that hurt one another. The pursuit of intimacy requires that we recognize each other's humanity but still risk knowing and being known by those who are also willing to take that risk. Our fears can cause us to falsely see our partner as being unsafe rather than simply one who is also struggling to connect in a vulnerable and intimate way.

What prevents intimacy?

1. An unclear sense of who you are as you presently stand

2. Fear of being known

3. Inability to identify one’s own feelings and emotions

4. Inability to identify your partner’s feelings and emotions

Pain, Fear & Masks

The fear of being known is often connected to a painful or traumatic past experience when the “transparent or vulnerable you” was rejected or abused. This memory, whether conscious or not, affects one’s desire to risk again that degree of open transparency.  Therefore, little or no time or effort is made toward being truly intimate. The pain of rejection often leads to fear which can cause us to create masks to project an "acceptable" self (a false self) and hide our true self (the one people might not like).  The more consistent the rejection we have felt, the greater aversion we tend to have to making ourselves known.  A false self cannot have true intimacy. The results are superficial relationships at best and lonely detached relationships at worst.

True intimacy is when two people can remove their masks and come close to one another emotionally and physically with open transparency and a desire to be known and a willingness to accept. In those moments, it can be paradise. The occasional separation is the inevitable intrusion of life’s challenges and our human frailties for which forgiveness and grace are necessary.

What must be present for intimacy?

1. A clear sense of who you are as you stand in the present

2. The desire to deeply know and be known by the other person

3. Quantity and quality time discovering one another together

4. The ability to identify & understand your feelings and emotions as well as your partner's

Desire, Time & Ability

You must desire intimacy enough to make the time to gain the ability to be transparent and open.

What is needed for true intimacy?

1. Both partners must be able to recognize and express their desire to be transparent.

2. Both partners must prepare themselves to endure some temporary pain or fear of pain without shrinking back, becoming defensive, or attacking, with the realization that the true pleasure they seek will be greater and longer lasting.  

3. Both partners must gain the ability to identify the behavior of fear vs. the behavior of desire.

   1. Fear – deflects, blames, accuses, defends, demands, displays anger, detaches

   2. Desire – acknowledges, accepts, requests, pursues, displays pleasure, advances

Fear destroys intimacy but desire nurtures it. You can be motivated by fear of pain or by the desire for pleasure.  Instead of dwelling on the fear of pain, anticipate the pleasure of intimacy.