The Blame Game: Why Letting Go Might Be the First Step Toward Healing

Every couple gets there at some point. That moment when the conversation shifts from “how do we fix this?” to “whose fault is this?” The energy turns. Voices sharpen. Hearts harden. And healing gets shoved to the side—because the blame game just took the wheel.

Jason and Carla knew this cycle all too well. Whenever they tried to talk about what was broken in their marriage, it always slid back into pointing fingers. Jason would say Carla was always cold and dismissive. Carla would say Jason was always defensive and checked out. Both were hurting. Both were right in some ways. But both were stuck.

Blame feels satisfying in the moment—it gives our pain a direction. But it doesn’t move anything forward.

The Truth? Everyone Holds Some Blame. In marriage, it’s almost never 100% one person and 0% the other. Even if one partner did something deeply hurtful, the dynamic between you still matters. The silent retreat. The quick temper. The unmet needs never voiced. The expectations never shared. Each piece plays a part in the whole picture.

Naming that truth isn’t about piling on guilt—it’s about unlocking grace. When both people are humble enough to say, “I had a part in this,” something sacred happens: the door to real restoration opens.

Blame Leads to Shame. Shame Leads to Lame. That’s a phrase we often share—because it’s true. Blame turns pain into judgment. Judgment breeds shame. And shame? It keeps people frozen—lame—too stuck to grow, to rise, to reach out again.

Jason and Carla eventually came to realize that blame wasn’t solving anything. So, we helped them shift the question from “who caused this?” to “what’s going on beneath this and what can I do to fix it?” And that simple shift changed everything.

They started listening differently. Speaking more gently. Owning their own part before pointing out the other’s

The Goal Isn’t to Win—It’s to Heal. Letting go of blame doesn’t mean excusing real hurt. It means choosing to stop using hurt as a weapon. It means inviting compassion into the conversation. It means making space for healing—not just from what’s been done, but from what’s been building between you for far too long.

If you’ve been stuck in the cycle of blame, maybe today is the day to step off the treadmill. Lay the blame down. Pick up humility. Reach for hope.

There’s more healing ahead than you think—and it starts with letting go of needing someone to blame.