“If I Only Had More Control of…”

When life feels chaotic, many of us fall into the trap of thinking, If only I had more control of this situation, this person, or this outcome, things would change and would be better. It’s a natural response. When we’re hurt, frustrated, or overwhelmed, our minds often create a blueprint for fixing it—a plan that typically hinges on someone else’s behavior changing and less ours changing. In relationships, this might sound like: If only they would stop doing this… If only they’d start doing that… then everything would improve.

But let’s be honest. How often are we truly successful in getting others to do exactly what we want? Rarely, if ever. The uncomfortable truth is that we have very little control over others. In fact, we often struggle to control ourselves. Yet, the ability to regulate our own thoughts, emotions, and actions is crucial—not only for our personal well-being but also for the health of our relationships.

The Power of Self-Control

Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), a gift that enables us to align our actions with our values. While we cannot force others to change, we can choose how we respond to them. By inviting God into our struggles and relying on the Holy Spirit, we can develop self-control that helps us navigate even the most difficult relationships.

However, self-control doesn’t come automatically. It requires intentional effort, prayer, and practice. Below are some practical steps to help you regulate your emotions and improve your relational connections.

1. Pause and Pray

When emotions run high, our first instinct is often to react. Instead, take a moment to pause. In that space, invite God into your situation. A simple prayer like, Lord, help me respond with wisdom and love, can refocus your mind and calm your heart.

2. Name Your Emotions

Before you can manage your emotions, you need to identify them. Ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? Is it anger, frustration, fear, or hurt? Naming your emotions helps you gain clarity and reduces their intensity.

3. Challenge Your Thoughts

Often, our emotions are fueled by distorted thoughts. For example, thinking, They never listen to me or This will never get better can heighten feelings of despair. Instead, challenge these thoughts by asking: Is this true? What evidence do I have? What might God say about this situation?

4. Practice Self-Soothing Techniques

When emotions feel overwhelming, engage in activities that help calm your body and mind. Deep breathing, going for a walk, or spending time in worship and meditation can shift your focus and reduce stress.

5. Set Healthy Boundaries

While you can’t control others, you can control how you engage with them. Establishing boundaries communicates what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationship. For example, you might say, I care about you, but I won’t participate in conversations where there’s yelling or blame.

6. Focus on What You Can Control

Shift your attention from what others should do to what you can do. This includes your attitude, words, and actions. By focusing on your growth and character, you become a positive influence, regardless of the choices others make.

7. Lean on God’s Strength

Lastly, remember that self-control is not about willpower alone. It’s about surrendering to God’s power within you. As you seek Him daily, His Spirit equips you with the grace and strength needed to respond well, even in difficult circumstances.

Surrendering Control to Gain Peace

The truth is, our desire for control often stems from a deeper yearning for peace and security. But peace doesn’t come from managing others; it comes from surrendering our need for control to the One who holds all things together. When we trust God and lean into His Spirit, we discover that we don’t have to control every situation to experience peace.

Instead of striving to fix others, focus on cultivating the fruit of self-control within yourself. As you regulate your emotions and align your actions with God’s wisdom, you’ll find that not only do you experience personal growth, but your relationships can thrive in ways you never imagined.

Let us help you learn how to release the illusion of control and embrace the freedom found in surrendering to God’s perfect plan. In doing so, we open the door to healthier connections and a deeper sense of peace.