The Fear of and The Desire for Intimacy
The Disillusion of Intimacy
Because of the evident pain and breakdown of true intimate relationships in our society, we
have learned to settle for an intimacy characterized by superficial revelations of ourselves. We
have learned to mask our true feelings and emotions, so we offer up pithy explanations and
responses to our emotions, and thus, we fail to gain the ability to truly understand and deal
with the complexity of our human feelings and emotions. This results in our inability to relate
intimately with one another.
The breath of human emotions includes joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness, ecstasy and
pain. The problem is not that we try to avoid these emotions but that we tend to ignore them
in ourselves and in others. We ignore our range of emotions by masking them with distractions
like entertainment, drugs, alcohol, or detached sex. Anything to avoid the fear, dis-ease or pain
of real vulnerable intimacy.
Safe People aren’t just ones who don’t intentionally hurt you but ones who care if they hurt you
and try to do something about it. We are human. We are imperfect and we make mistakes that
hurt one another. To pursue intimacy, we must recognize this fact and take the risk to know
and be known by those who are also willing to take that risk. Our fears can cause us to falsely
see our partner as being unsafe rather than simply one who is also struggling to connect in a
vulnerable and intimate way. We learn valuable lessons about one another when we are
willing to take the risks to the risks to care even when it is hard.
What prevents intimacy?
1. Fear of being known
2. Inability to identify one’s own feelings and emotions
3. Inability to identify our partner’s feelings and emotions
Pain, Fear & Masks
The fear of being known is often connected to a painful or traumatic past experience when the
“vulnerable you” was rejected or abused. This memory, whether conscious or not, affects one’s
desire to risk vulnerability again. Therefore, little or no time or effort is made toward being
truly intimate. The pain of rejection often gives rise to the fear of vulnerability, which can cause
us to create masks to project an acceptable self (a false self) and hide our true self – the one
people might not like. The more consistent the rejection we have felt or experienced, the
greater aversion we tend to have to making ourselves known. A false self cannot have true
intimacy. What results is superficial relationships at best and lonely detached relationships at
worst.
True intimacy is when two people can remove their masks and come close to one another
physically and emotionally with vulnerability and a desire to be known and accepted. In those
moments, it can be paradise and the occassional separation is the inevitable intrusion of life’s
challenges and realities and our human frailities for which forgiveness and grace are necessary.
What must be present for intimacy?
1. The desire to deeply know and to be deeply known by the other person
2. Quantity and quality time together discovering one another
3. The ability to identify & understand one’s own feelings & emotions and the other’s
Desire, Time & Ability
You must have the desire to make the time to gain the ability to be vulnerable and intimate.
What is needed for true intimacy?
1. Both partners must be able to recognize and express their desire to be vulnerable.
2. Both partners must prepare themselves to endure some temporary pain or fear of pain
without shrinking back, becoming defensive, or attacking, and realize that the true
pleasure they seek will be greater and longer lasting.
3. The ability to identify the behavior of fear vs. the behavior of desire.
a. Fear – deflects, blames, accuses, defends, demands, displays anger, detaches
b. Desire – acknowledges, accepts, requests, pursues, displays pleasure, advances
Fear destroys intimacy but desire nurtures it. You can be motivated by fear of pain or by the
desire for pleasure. Instead of dwelling on the fear of pain, anticipate the pleasure of intimacy.
