From Survival to Trust: Understanding the Posture That Shapes Our Relationships

Recognizing the Postures That Shape How We Love, Trust, and Connect

As a pastoral counselor, I often sit across from people who are sincere, capable, faithful—and deeply confused.

They love God.

They want healthy relationships.

They are trying hard.

And yet they find themselves saying things like:

• “I don’t know why I keep feeling distant.”

• “I don’t trust easily—even with God.”

• “Every relationship feels like work.”

• “I’m exhausted, but I don’t know how to rest.”

Scripture gives us language for this experience in an unexpected place—Genesis 16:12.

“He shall be a wild donkey of a man, his hand against everyone and everyone’s hand against him,

and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen.”

This is not a diagnosis.

It is not an insult.

It is a description of a posture—a way the human heart learns to live when survival shapes formation.

Two Postures the Heart Can Learn

In Genesis, we see two contrasting ways of living before God—not as moral categories, but as relational postures.

1. The Wild Donkey Posture (Survival-Formed)

This posture develops when a person learns early that:

• Safety must be self-created

• Dependence feels risky

• Staying alert matters more than resting

• Control feels wiser than trust

People shaped this way are often:

• Strong

• Capable

• Loyal

• Resilient

But they may struggle with:

• Letting others get close

• Receiving care without suspicion

• Trusting God with outcomes

• Staying emotionally present in conflict

They may live near people—but emotionally “over against” them.

2. The Child of Promise Posture (Trust-Formed)

This posture develops when a person learns that:

• God can be trusted

• Waiting is not abandonment

• Strength can be shared

• Belonging is safe

This does not mean life was easy—it means formation happened in the presence of care rather than absence of it.

People shaped this way tend to:

• Stay present under pressure

• Engage rather than brace

• Trust God even when answers are slow

• Experience closeness without losing themselves

Why This Matters in Counseling and Relationships

Most relational struggles are not caused by lack of love.

They are caused by competing postures of safety.

In marriage, the wild-donkey posture may sound like:

• “I’ll handle it myself.”

• “I don’t need anything.”

• “Let’s just move on.”

• “Why are you making this so emotional?”

In family relationships:

• Closeness may feel intrusive

• Needs feel overwhelming

• Conflict feels like threat

• Withdrawal feels like peace

In our relationship with God:

• Prayer becomes guarded

• Trust feels theoretical

• Obedience is mixed with control

• Rest feels irresponsible

None of this means someone lacks faith.

It often means they learned to survive before they learned it was safe to trust.

An Important Clarification

God does not shame the wild donkey.

He names it.

He preserves it.

He blesses it.

But He also invites it toward something deeper:

Strength no longer used only to protect—

but strength surrendered to belong.

Healing does not mean becoming passive.

It means allowing God—and others—to carry what you were never meant to carry alone.

An Invitation to Reflect

If any part of this reflection resonated with you, I want to gently invite you to take the next step—not by trying harder, but by becoming more aware.

The self-reflection worksheet that accompanies this post is designed to help you better understand which posture you most often operate from, how that posture may be shaping your relationship with God and with others, and why certain struggles keep repeating despite your best efforts.

>> Get the Worksheet Here

This is not about labeling yourself or assigning blame. It is about gaining clarity—seeing what helped you survive, and discerning where God may now be inviting you into deeper trust and safety.

Take your time with the questions. Answer honestly. And as you reflect, remember this: awareness is not the end of the work—it is the beginning of healing.

Strength formed in survival does not have to be discarded. It can be redeemed, reshaped, and rooted in trust.