Becoming Secure: What Every Attachment Style Must Learn
Secure attachment isn’t a personality trait. It’s a posture you develop.
It’s not reserved for the lucky few who grew up in the “perfect home.” In truth, none of us came
out unscathed. Whether you were deeply loved but inconsistently cared for, or you learned to
survive by not needing anyone, your attachment style formed in response to your environment
—but it doesn’t have to define your future.
At Pillars, we teach that attachment styles are not lifelong labels. They’re starting points. And
no matter where you begin, you can grow toward security.
Here’s what that journey looks like for each style:
🟩 The Anxious-Preoccupied
What You Feel:
You overthink every silence.
You read between every line.
You chase reassurance like it’s oxygen.
Your Growth Path:
You don’t need to silence your needs—but you do need to learn how to soothe them. When
your nervous system is always in “alert mode,” you’ll misread calm as distance and selfcontainment as rejection. The goal isn’t to stop caring. It’s to care from a place of security, not
scarcity.
What You Must Learn:
•💡 Emotional regulation: calm the storm within
•💡 Self-worth without external approval: your value is not up for debate
Scripture to Reflect On:
“The Lord your God is with you… He will quiet you by His love.” – Zephaniah 3:17
🟦 The Dismissive-Avoidant
What You Feel:
You pride yourself on not needing anyone.
You shut down instead of speaking up.
You disappear when emotions rise.
Your Growth Path:
You learned early that closeness leads to hurt or suffocation. So, you built a life around
independence. But true strength doesn’t mean going it alone. It means letting others in, wisely
and intentionally.
Letting someone see your heart doesn’t erase your identity—it strengthens it.
What You Must Learn:
•💡 Safe connection: not all closeness is a threat
•💡 Healthy vulnerability: express before you escape
Scripture to Reflect On:
“Two are better than one… If either of them falls, one can help the other up.”
– Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
🟧 The Fearful-Avoidant
What You Feel:
You want love… but fear what happens if it gets too close
You’re stuck in a push-pull pattern.
You crave stability but expect the rug to be pulled out.
Your Growth Path:
You’ve seen love go sideways. Maybe trust was shattered or caretakers were unreliable. So,
you protect yourself—and sabotage yourself—all at once. You need consistency, not just from
others, but from yourself.
Healing starts when you stop ghosting your own heart.
What You Must Learn:
•💡 Commit to healing: patterns won’t change unless you do
•💡 Let yourself be known: love requires being seen
Scripture to Reflect On:
“Perfect love casts out fear…” – 1 John 4:18
🟨 The Secure
What You Feel:
You’re not always calm—but you return to calm.
You’re okay being loved and loving back.
You don’t need to chase or hide—you stand.
Your Growth Path:
Security doesn’t mean perfection. It means presence.
You own your needs, respect boundaries, and respond rather than react. You bring peace into
the storm—not because life is easy, but because your foundation is solid.
You’ve built trust—not just in others, but in God, and in the person you’re becoming.
What You Must Maintain:
✅ Stay grounded in truth
✅ Stay connected to others
✅ Stay resilient when relationships get hard
Scripture to Reflect On:
“Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord… They will be like a tree planted by the water… they
have no worries in a year of drought and never fail to bear fruit.” – Jeremiah 17:7-8
Attachment wounds don’t define you. Healing does.
You may not have chosen your starting point, but you can choose where you’re headed. Becoming securely attached is about growing in emotional maturity, relational wisdom, and spiritual strength.
At Pillars Counseling, we believe this growth is not only possible—it’s God’s desire for you. Because secure love… begins with being securely loved by Him. 🛠 Want to go deeper?
Follow [@PillarsCounseling] for practical tools, workshops, and real conversations about healing, growth, and relationships that reflect the love of our great God. Share it with someone on the journey. And remember—you’re not stuck. You’re being shaped.
